The Apple Mighty Mouse Sucks Bum.

The following is a brief history of shitty Apple Mice. An etymology detailing the origins of the modern day crap-wagon we know as the Mighty Mouse today.

First things first. I love Apple products. I've been a user of them for decades & owned a buttload of them. I'm certainly not an Apple fanboy though. I'm not the kind of tosser who goes up to a PC user & tells them they should buy a Mac 'coz they don't crash & get viruses & other random bullshit like that.

For years I had my mates smirking at me as I shelled out a small fortune for a slow shitbox when they could shell out just over a grand and have a hoon box that ran kick ass games. When it came to productivity, it was well known that Apples were the choice of creatives the world over. Fuck knows why. They were as slow as shit. I would reassure myself that the time it would take my machine to process an image was evened out by the time that a windows user would spend rebooting & reinstalling shit. I was probably wrong.. I'll never know.

One thing is for certain though. & it's undeniable, the average mouse you'll be using on a PC is a Rolls Royce compared to the clunky old granny-cunt-cluster attached to your Mac. & here's the first reason why, going back to the start;

ONE FUCKING BUTTON!!!

This is the Lisa 1 mouse.. & quite frankly it is a piece of shit. Thank goodness it wasn't intended to be used for a long period of time or for anything productive. Can you imagine how bad it would fuck up your wrist? NO? Neither can I. Let's just assume it would be horrific.

As the popularity & novelty of controlling your computer via mouse caught on. Apple then hired the best minds in the business to redesign the Lisa mouse ready for their next generation of hyper expensive beige encased light bulbs. The result, were these abortions;

The apple DB9 mouse was an A-Class box of ass-fluff on a stick. It seems the designers had at least considered the fact that the human palm is not completely box shaped & managed to smooth off the sharp corners ever so slightly. They also caved in to the flack they were copping from other mouse manufacturers about having only one shitty little button.

So they made the one button BIGGER.

With more fruitier, flavorsome & gayer Apple Macs rolling off the assembly line. Creatives the world over were demanding a mouse with a productive human user in mind. They wanted something versatile, customizable & comfortable.

Instead, they got the Apple Desktop Mouse I (the robot tampon on the left below), & a little later the Apple Desktop Mouse II (the sloth testicle on the right). The testicle was without a doubt a great step forward as far as ergonomics went, but being in the same shape as a fresh piece of shit that you might find in your underpants after you accidentally crap yourself and then sit in it.. you know what I mean.. it often looks like a police badge.. but if it's a solid & large enough loaf it'll look like the Apple Desktop Mouse II.

Around this time, Apple stock turned to shit & the whole company nearly went tits up.

Steve Jobs reentered the scene and brought the company back to life. It was through his amazing vision & genius that the company revolutionized the entire industry with its new line of internet ready machines & a mouse so bad that the Apple name will forever be tarnished because of it. Kinda like when Tara Reid's gross titty fell out of her dress & she flashed the world her post-op pepperoni nipple.
Seriously. The dirt from this will never wash off. Presenting..

THE HOCKEY PUCK.

Good lord. Whoever the fuck designed this should be shot in the nuts.

Completely unusable, uncomfortable & unwanted. I tried to give mine away to the kid next door.. told him it was a yo-yo. Within minutes he had hoiked it back at me.. hitting me just below the spine.. which would be my ass.

The only people who liked this mouse were manufacturers of other mice. People discarded these hockey pucks in droves and bought something else from their local computer store.

Due to this, for the first time ever, millions of Mac users experienced a mouse with more than one button.. & they liked it.

Eventually, Apple caved in to public pressure & assholed the circular ballbag design, but incredibly, were too anally stubborn to heed the cries for more than one button.. so anally stubbon in fact that for their next effort..

THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING WAS ONE BUTTON.

Talk about fighting fire with fire.

PC guy: "Crappy Mac mice only have one little button bwahahahaaa."

Mac guy: "Fucken bullshit mate.. It's more button than it is mouse."

PC guy: ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "

Mac guy: "Hahahaa.. you're speechless... will you be my friend?"

So there you have it, Apple took the bull by the horns and got an anal raping once more.

Which brings us to the Apple mice I hate the most.

The MIGHTY MICE.

The name itself is a miscarriage of justice. Apple decided on the name & then had to be informed of the world famous Filmation character whose name they had ripped off. At first Apple told the lawyers of Viacom/CBS to go fuck themselves, but then settled on a license agreement where the cost of borrowing the mighty mouse name would be tacked on to the price of the product. Not one consumer noticed.

This product sucks so bad for so many reasons, but the main ones being, the little scrolly ball gets clogged with shit within minutes & its shape is the most painful to hold for long periods of time. In this day & age, you'd thing some poindexter at Apple HQ would be able to figure out the shape of a human palm. Hell.. Microsoft did. Also, the wireless bluetooth version is heavy, chews batteries like a motherfucker & when someone turns on the microwave over in the other room.. the pointer on screen has an epileptic fit which turns the mouse into an unusable lump of shit.

Well, at least it has more than one button.

So there you have it. The reverse evolution of the Apple mouse. From shit to complete shit.


Many thanks to:
vectronicsappleworld.com

for the pictures I pinched from them.